Abracadabra, Presto, Change-o

Martha Hodges - 2006-01-01

Sermon: "Abracadabra, Presto, Change-o"
Jan 1, 2006

Anybody here make any New Year's Resolutions last night? I had some resolution-type thoughts, but I've learned to keep them sufficiently vague so that I can’t hold myself to them – success or failure is too hard to measure. I've learned my lesson over the years. For several years running, I'd simply pull the previous year's resolutions out a drawer and just change the date at the top of the page. And I was good to go. I eventually got the message.

So nowadays, instead of resolving to vacuum more often or go to bed at a reasonable hour or to start using that Pilates tape burning a hole on the shelf, I make gentle suggestions to myself along the lines of:

"Martha, my dear, it might be a good idea to establish a bit of order in your life. Why don't you think about trying a nice healthy routine? You know your life would be easier and more harmonious if you practiced a little self-discipline, now don’t you?"

Suggestions have replaced resolutions. Vague abstractions have replaced specifics. Aspiration has replaced determination.

Because, while hope is generally a fine thing -- even an essential thing -- fooling yourself is generally not such a good thing. Hopes -- or aspirations -- on the other hand, can keep you going even when you've disappointed yourself for the umpteenth time. Without hope, there is no imagination, no energy for change.

So, with the best intentions in the world, why is it so hard to realize these aspirations? I'm not talking now about physical factors that keep us addicted to unhealthy behaviors, or sociological or economic realities that keep us mired in unfulfilling relationships, unavoidable debt, or boring jobs. I'm talking about the kind of changes that we actually do have the power to make. Why do we so often fall on our faces when we try to make even these changes to our character or our lives?

Naturally, there are as many theories about this as there are academic disciplines and theories of human nature. For now, we’ll look at one such theory that proposes eight stages of change. I've chosen this one to talk about today because it applies equally well to individuals and to congregations. I learned about it during my training for interim ministry, but it works just as well for you and me in our lives apart from church.

According to this theory, the first step in any change is the realization that you're feeling unsettled or dissatisfied, as for example, when I realize that I'm stressing myself unnecessarily by not controlling the chaos in my life. Or when the congregation acknowledges that it needs to call a new minister.

This stage requires that we allow ourselves to experience the discomfort -- that we let go of the need to feel that everything is fine and that we are in perfect control of what is happening. So, here is one obstacle to change: our resistance to feeling the pain of uncertainty and our lack of confidence in our own ability to withstand this discomfort. In personal terms, it might mean that I refuse to acknowledge that my habits are driving me crazy. In congregational terms, it might mean a refusal to admit that there is need for another minister -- after all, you functioned just fine as a lay-led fellowship for years. Why not again?

The second stage of change is denial. In order to protect ourselves from our fears of change, we deny that they exist. What fear? What resistance? Everything's fine!

The third stage occurs when we face our situation squarely and realistically. We can sabotage ourselves at this stage by judging or blaming ourselves or others. I can say, "I'm such a slob, I'll never change. My house will always be a mess," instead of telling myself that whether I vacuum the rug or not is entirely up to me. Or, MVUUF members can rehash old arguments and try to place blame over Richard’s departure from his ministry with you. The temptation to seek someone to blame -- ourselves or someone else, it doesn't matter -- is that this takes control of the future out of our hands. This is a great way to avoid change: If the situation is someone's fault, after all, or attributable to some basic character flaw, we can't be expected to do anything about it.

At this stage of change, we're challenged to let go of the old picture of who we are or how things should be. This leads into Stage 4: letting go into the unknown. At this point, we need to grieve for our losses. This might be grief over Richard's departure. It might be grief over behaviors-- our own or others' -- that caused pain during recent conflicts, for example over the move to a new building or over staff changes. Perhaps you may be grieving over the way you or others engaged with those challenges. Or, it might be nostalgia for a time and a style of “doing church” when MVUUF was smaller and more intimate.

The refusal or inability to grieve can undermine our best efforts to change. We need to look at the image of ourselves as we used to be and then -- let it go when we see that it is not the image of who we want to be in the future. Or, if it is in fact who we want to be, to ask ourselves whether or not it is realistic to attempt to return to that earlier version of ourselves. And if it is not possible to return to that, are there elements of that earlier existence that we can realistically preserve or recreate?

Stage 5 is envisioning the desired future. The challenge here is to let ourselves want -- and to let ourselves trust in our own survival, our own future. If I cannot acknowledge the depth of my emotional commitment to a future vision, and if I cannot trust the power of this commitment to see me through, I will get stuck. I'll get stuck in the old and familiar ways. For any congregation, one of the challenges of an interim period is to renew its vision of itself -- and to commit to making it a reality. Without this vision, it will not change.

Stage 6 is the time of exploring options and experimenting with new behaviors and feelings. It is a time to take risks. Fear of failure and the refusal to risk it is another excellent way to avoid change.

Experimentation, mistakes and revision lead to stage 7, committing to action. Of the options you have tried, which seem most likely to achieve your vision? It's hard to close off options as you select others, and this desire to "keep our options open" is one we're probably all familiar with. If I establish more routine in my life, I'll have to give up some spontaneity. If MVUUF commits to growth, it will need to adjust to new faces and personalities with their own needs and wants. If it commits to growth, it will eventually become a place where you can no longer know everyone by name; it will lose some intimacy, some shared experiences, some commonly held traditions. But refusal to let go of options is guaranteed to prevent change.

Finally, the last stage of change is to integrate the new behavior or characteristic into the life of the individual or the congregation, so that we can live with greater complexity, maturity and richness. At this stage, if we want to continue to grow and learn, we need to let go of what might have been.

Perhaps this last stage is the most common downfall of most of our New Year’s resolutions. How many of us have managed to change some behavior only to see it disappear a few days or weeks later? This is what happens when the change is not fully integrated into our lives. Changes accomplished will disappear if they are not consciously reinforced or if they do not fit well into the ongoing life of the individual or of the community. This is why congregations need to continually refer back to their vision, to remind themselves of why and how change is desirable. And to reassure themselves that change is not final. That growth and change are ongoing and the need for creative thinking, experimentation and challenge does not end with an objective met.

For living with change in an intentional way -- a way that tolerates discomfort and uncertainty, imagination and risk, loss and self-awareness -- living with change in this way is a challenge that makes us fully alive and fully human. Living well with change is a religious calling. It is the call of each of us to make our lives happier, more fulfilling, richer and more meaningful. And it is the call of this congregation as we begin this new year together to make of MVUUF a community worthy of your dreams. A place of comfort and challenge, purpose and vision.

What tremendous gifts are these! Time... Dreams... Imagination... And one another.